mean-ing

i feel alone again, but in a more connected, purposeful way. much worse, kind of, but less lonely?


i accused you. that's right. i did. and i don't feel that bad, right now, because i think you may be guilty- but it's so small, come on... let's just trust each other and be friends. i truly didn't mean harm toward you in the accusation, i just wanted to stand up for myself in a situation where i felt as though you did me wrong. really. and if you truly didn't, well, then i'm absolutely at fault, but i reacted on factual based instinctual reaction.


i want to wake up once without bags, and one week without crying.


am i...? no.


my head is spinning, but slowly and with a dull roar in the background. taco reacts to me exactly how i would like to react to the world. understanding. smiling. saying "fuck all of you, i will come out my best in the end." i'm so jealous of him.


there is one person. not the cause. just a cause. but a really fucking obnoxious cause, and all over the place. get out of my life. every day i dislike you more and more. you ruin relationships, internally and externally. you are a waste of space. get over yourself.



hm.

i think. i think i need some time away from the world. a temporary pause. a really quiet pause, where i can breathe really clearly and it's not too bright for me to see.


my eyesockets are burning.