mean-ing

i feel alone again, but in a more connected, purposeful way. much worse, kind of, but less lonely?


i accused you. that's right. i did. and i don't feel that bad, right now, because i think you may be guilty- but it's so small, come on... let's just trust each other and be friends. i truly didn't mean harm toward you in the accusation, i just wanted to stand up for myself in a situation where i felt as though you did me wrong. really. and if you truly didn't, well, then i'm absolutely at fault, but i reacted on factual based instinctual reaction.


i want to wake up once without bags, and one week without crying.


am i...? no.


my head is spinning, but slowly and with a dull roar in the background. taco reacts to me exactly how i would like to react to the world. understanding. smiling. saying "fuck all of you, i will come out my best in the end." i'm so jealous of him.


there is one person. not the cause. just a cause. but a really fucking obnoxious cause, and all over the place. get out of my life. every day i dislike you more and more. you ruin relationships, internally and externally. you are a waste of space. get over yourself.



hm.

i think. i think i need some time away from the world. a temporary pause. a really quiet pause, where i can breathe really clearly and it's not too bright for me to see.


my eyesockets are burning.

still up, up

it's very backwards and strange, but simple. strange to wrap my mind around.



i've deleted this post down one word at a time, each time i read it.

i'm just leaving this as a reminder to myself as to what was once here and how i've changed.