Saturday, November 10, 2007


i feel alone again, but in a more connected, purposeful way. much worse, kind of, but less lonely?

i accused you. that's right. i did. and i don't feel that bad, right now, because i think you may be guilty- but it's so small, come on... let's just trust each other and be friends. i truly didn't mean harm toward you in the accusation, i just wanted to stand up for myself in a situation where i felt as though you did me wrong. really. and if you truly didn't, well, then i'm absolutely at fault, but i reacted on factual based instinctual reaction.

i want to wake up once without bags, and one week without crying.

am i...? no.

my head is spinning, but slowly and with a dull roar in the background. taco reacts to me exactly how i would like to react to the world. understanding. smiling. saying "fuck all of you, i will come out my best in the end." i'm so jealous of him.

there is one person. not the cause. just a cause. but a really fucking obnoxious cause, and all over the place. get out of my life. every day i dislike you more and more. you ruin relationships, internally and externally. you are a waste of space. get over yourself.


i think. i think i need some time away from the world. a temporary pause. a really quiet pause, where i can breathe really clearly and it's not too bright for me to see.

my eyesockets are burning.

Monday, November 5, 2007

still up, up

it's very backwards and strange, but simple. strange to wrap my mind around.

i've deleted this post down one word at a time, each time i read it.

i'm just leaving this as a reminder to myself as to what was once here and how i've changed.

Monday, October 29, 2007

late nite cravings

this is what i'm thinking about- a new city, a new experience, a new night out with wonderful people. the kind of thing where you don't want the night to end, and the rush doesn't die off.

one of those times where you have snapshots in strange discolored blurriness of how much fun you had, and how much you crave for the night to repeat itself, but maybe push just a little further into its possibilities.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

weekend expansion

this weekend was fun, but somehow made me wish for the following week.

i am so behind in school.

today i lost my wallet, and then found it..among thousands of money hungry jesters and knights. how is that possible- it just baffles me how the whole process panned out. i don't lose shit. i just don't. i'm so fucking and when? i wish i could use sonar on my items i misplace and refind them simply by turning on my sonar sense.

i hope i don't fail this semester. last one. survive.

made stir fry. rice (cloves, cardamom, garlic, fennel, cilantro/chicken bouillon for the broth), tofu (browned in sesame oil and add in a splash of ginger soy sesame dressing from the sushi bar down the street), veggies (red cabbage sauteed with ginger & garlic and the dressing, onions and yellow squash with ginger garlic). it was so good, the after taste was so pleasant... "damm"

tomorrow...monday... i need to renew my inspection sticker. i need to figure out how to change the oil on my car. work all night. need money. poor. too many bills, too many loans.

my weekend has expanded too far. bands, costume parties, stupid southerners not knowing what the fuck a "snow bunny" is... hah. first i typed "snot bunny" which i was. i am also sick now. asldjf;alsdj;aoweica

that's it.

i need to downsize/edit some pictures.

i feel very judged right now. fuck them. talking shit about me- fuck them, i don't deserve that.